We all have tests and trials. Some last a lifetime, some a season and others might last a short brief breath. However long they last, I believe they all have a specific purpose to our calling and our specific destiny. Sometimes we have to push through and keep knocking, while with other trials we are just supposed to stand and then stand some more. Albeit, this is a story of my test, my journey, life message, path and my living experiences. It is about learning, improving and growing closer to God, to be able to fully live in the purpose God has created for me. Back to Eden Group, especially Katherine through our close, candid relationship, have influenced and encouraged me in this journey of fulfillment which is why I am sharing it here.
I grew up the youngest of 4 children. I loved to be outside, learn how to fix things and was a daddy’s girl through and through. I did play with dolls, life size ones, not the little fake ones. I acted like it was my baby. I changed it’s clothes, diaper, and even fed it. I am not sure where I learned this as I was the youngest and had no younger siblings to see my mom attend to. But it was natural for me, it was ingrained in the fabric of my being. My mom always told me she thought I would be the first to have kids. However, as I got a little older, the doll playing wore off and I became a little more hard and distant. My father was often fighting with my mom about his extracurricular activities, gone for days or off using his addiction who knows where. So, I pulled even further away and lived in my own world. I did my own thing, and pretty much raised myself. I wasn’t a bad child, I never made any bad decisions I regretted, thankfully I was shown the right path before this. I was just lost and alone. I struggled with what I saw as weak in the makeup of femininity so I tried to be anything but that. So, I told myself I never wanted kids, and at times, I wished I was a boy, dealing with the things women had to deal with alone, the whole thing quite frankly scared me.
Fast forward, to right out of high school and then to college. I was searching for my meaning in life, my one thing that would make me tick. I tried, horsemanship, art, photography and even music. I enjoyed these things but nothing really totally filled the aching void. I always believed in God and in fact had a strong connection I thought but something was still numb and missing. I felt like I was just going through the motions of life. I soon started dating my brother’s good friend and after a year and a half, we got married. I left school, and I moved to New Jersey, a world away from where I knew to try to make a life of my own. It was very hard but I learned and grew. Naturally I then started thinking I wanted kids, maybe adopt some or even perhaps have my own, even after I told myself I didn’t want any. As this process was kinda odd to me, I had this aching pulling feeling, that something was beginning to change. We tried for almost 2 years and I even went to a fertility specialist who said I had a hormonal imbalance and a condition called Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome or PCOS for short. Good thing our trying didn’t become fruitful too, because it didn’t last and we divorced at the end of 2007.
I was still searching for what my life meant, I was really lost now and didn’t know what to make of it all. I had to figure something out for myself, so I started thinking of going back to school to get a degree or go into some type of missions or bible school. In the mean time I worked at a doggie day care. Early one morning I was crying out to God and praying while I was doing doggie duty. I nearly couldn’t function as the loss was so intense, but this is all I knew how to do. I remember vividly like it was yesterday, I heard these words that early morning in March of 2008, “I am completing you, the whole you, including PCOS.” I wasn’t sure if this was from God or from my own brain and I wasn’t even sure I knew what that fully meant but I didn’t care to know then so I wrote it down and tucked that away in my back of my mind.
I soon decided to go back into missions as I felt comfortable there. I was a YWAM kid and did my own disciple training school before I went to college. I did some healing and searching there and slowly but surely I felt me gaining ground. God started showing me things about declarations and proclaiming and redemption, even words curses and healing. God’s ways never usually looks like how we think they should, nor do they come in the way that’s easiest but they will come if we stay at it. I was shown that I cursed myself in how I rejected how God made me and put a word curse on my body in not wanting kids and saying I wished that I was a boy. The trauma from when I was younger and seeing the chaos all around me only added to the problem as I shut down to survive. Even at a tender age of ten it didn’t matter, words have weight and what we say matters, even if you know better or not. The Kingdom of God doesn’t pick favorites, it falls on the just and the unjust (Matt 5:45).
It was all starting to make more and more sense. The trials, the heartache, the journey I was on. God was speaking and doing something, I just still couldn’t see the whole picture. I started claiming that promise that he gave me in 2008 and I started reminding God of those words by speaking them back to him. After doing ministry school for several years (this was also the time when God put Katherine of Back to Eden Group in my life and I asked her to be my “spiritual mother”), I went back home with family to figure out my next step. By this time, the wounds from the past had healed on past relationships and I was looking for someone who I could share my life with again. I finally found the right one oddly through Christianmingle. Ya I know, kinda bizarre, but hey God works in all ways. LOL. We both had practically lived a full life before we met each other so we knew soon after meeting that this was right and we wasted no time in getting married.
Ironically, I still had that same nagging feeling that something was still aloof and I defiantly still had the pull to want to eventually have kids after all these years of waiting. I started daily proclaiming that promise again and other scriptures such as Psalm 113:9 that states, He grants the barren woman a home, Like a joyful mother of children. Praise the Lord! And Psalm 127:3-5 that says… Behold, children are a heritage from the Lord, The fruit of the womb is a reward. Like arrows in the hand of a warrior, So are the children of one’s youth. Happy is the man who has his quiver full of them.
I would walk on my walk, meditate, pray, plead and cry out to God to hear my prayer and to remember his promise. It didn’t happen overnight but I started to see little improvements…. and well now I can happily say I am sitting here in my last trimester of pregnancy. After 8+ years of pursuing and claiming, I am finally not barren! God is truly faithful. But you see, it doesn’t come by sitting or remaining stagnant, we have to push forward and go after it. God wants to collaborate with us He is not a instant genie god who’s belly gets rubbed and out pops your wish, your demand or your prayer. No, he is forever collaborating and invested in our desires, life and ultimately our heart. Are you willing to pay the price? Are you willing to go through the fire? Remember this, nothing worth having comes easy.
I can now say, that God was leading and teaching me all along on this trail of finely left kibble that was leading my heart to the grand prize. I never could figure out that missing link but now sitting here I can say I am full, alive and whole, knowing I am standing at the doorway to my destiny and wherever that leads.
Let me leave you with these last questions to ponder… Have you silenced your spirit in anyway that you need to rebirth? Have you lost your direction or calling and need to find it or if not, what are you doing to maintain the path and calling God has laid before you? Are you truly willing to pay the price and go through the fire for your calling?
K. Noel is a valuable contributor to the Back to Eden Group community